Coony Picks Up a HitchHiker

Coony picks up a hitchhiker and regrets every moment of it…

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Yeah, how ya goin bruddahs and sistahs?

I ah, I’ve been driving for a while now and, you heard my last discussion about the white pig, that tried to pull me over…

Well…  The pigs have been following me ever since  and I don’t know why…  I’m innocent.  I’m an abbo.  All abbos an innocent.  All abbos are innocent, Ladies and gentlemen you know dat!

We can’t do nutting wrong.  Just because of the colour of our skin.

So remember, only whites are racists.  We aren’t, we not the racists.  We not the bad guys…

Oh crap, better put the exhaust engines on or shit can happen yeah.

So’ we’re not the bad guys…  Da white boys are, the crackers…

So anyway.  Ever since I got pulled up.  By one of dee ah, racist pigs.  Oh god now it’s fuckin raining!

Better put the wipers on.

Our eyes are full of jaundice, dey are, yeah dats right.  Being an abbo you know.  When we drink a flaggen.

Oh speaken of flaggen where’s my fuckin wine?

Oh here we go…  I’ve got my wine.  Hold on a second, hold on a second.

Oooo a hitchiker!  Oh.  Oh yeah yeah, I’m going to pull over for dis hitchhiker.

She’s a female.  Us abbos, we only think with our penis!

Hold on a second, hold on a second.  Just let me get this right…

Oh look out!  There’s a boong!  There’s a boong!  Just missed a boong!

Sleeping on the side of the road as they do.

OK, let’s let this girl catch up.

I’ll just let her catch up and…  See where she’s heading…  That’s right.

Look at all these udder mudderfuckers going straight past and I’m picking up da hitchhiker…

See us abbos are da good guys!  We’re da good guys we are.

Hold on.  Just gonna wind down the window.  Hope not too much rain gets in…

Can you hear dat rain and…  Oh god…

Hello sweet heart, where you headed?

Hitchhooker:  It doesn’t matter where I’m heading.  It doesn’t matter where I’m heading, I just need a lift!

OK, I can give you a lift if you want.  Hop in!

OK, so…  There is a bit of a storm out there.  You’re lucky I pulled up for you huh?!

Hitchhooker:  Don’t.  Just don’t talk to me!

Don’t talk to you?  I had to pick you up bruddah!  Sistah, whatever da fuck you are…

What, what, what’s your name?

Hitchhooker:  shitnead!

Oh oh.  Your name’s shitnead.  Hullo shitnead, how ya doin?

Hitchhooker:  I’m fine, just don’t talk to me.  You know what EVER!  1488!  WHAT EVER!

OK.  You sound a bit bitter to me!  Here I am.  I’m giving you a lift sistah and you’re being a bit bitter!

What da fucks going on here?

Hitchhooker:  You know.  I got some food.  I just wanna eat!  I just wanna eat.  Just shut up!

OK, I’ll just shut up and you eat.

Hitchhooker:  OK, maybe I’m being a little bit bitter.  Did you want some of my food?

What have you got sistah?

Hitchhooker:  I’ve got some food!  Just eat it already!

Hold on sistah.  I’m about to hit another car.  Oh shit!  (Coony literally almost hit another car, which is why his accent was thrown off LOL)

Dat was close right there.  Yeah.  Yeah.

OK.  So you got some what?

Hitchhooker:  I’ve got some vegan meat!  I’ll give you the vegan meat and you can give me your opinion!  Because I’m tinea!

OK.  I’d like to try the vegan meat.

Hitchhooker:  Ahh.  Oh god!  You munch like a motherfucker!  Eat the way I do, or don’t eat it!

Sistah, I’m about to kick you out da door!  Because of dis shit dat you just fed me!

If you want real meat, I’ll pull over and we’ll kill a kangaroo!

I’ll kill a fuckin kangaroo for you!

But what is dis shit?

Hitchhooker:  It’s vegan meat.  You, you, you, abbo mutherfucker!

Vegan meat?  I don’t even know how to SPELL vegan meat let alone eat it!

Get da fuck outta here, get da fuck outta here, like fuck off!

<Horn blows right after Coony kicks the Hitchhooker outta the truck, for abbo celebration purposes>

Oh!  What a bitch!  That stupid bitch fed me something that was really disgusting Ladies and Gentlemen.

Oh, you know…  She had an accident back there…  Da door fell open!  It wasn’t me.  No bruddah!  No it wasn’t me.

For some reason, she just ah, fell out the door!

I don’t know what’s going on there…

Whatever she fed me though, it’s poisoning though I can feel it…

Oh holy shit!  HOLY SHIT BRUDDAH!  My dicks disappearing!

It was tranny meat!

It was tranny meat!  My dick is crawling back up into my abbo stomach!

I’m developing an abbo vagina!

Oh my god bruddah!

I’ve gotta pull over!  I’m developing an abbo vagina!

OMG!  Dis is terrible!

What da hell did she feed me?

Ohhhh!

I think it’s something she obviously fed her husband!

Oh goodness gracious!  (not that abbos can spell gracious but anyway)

Ohhh, hopefully I speak to you next week…

 

Coony the Truck Driver Strikes Back

That’s right Ladies and Gents.  Coony the truck driver get’s pulled over by the “po po” and deals with the situation the best way an abbo knows how.

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Oh Hello.  How ya doin bruddah?

Looks like one of da force are behind me.  He’s been following me for a while.

I don’t like police and they don’t like me.

I think their fuckin racist.  That’s right.

Racist muddafuckers is what they are.

He’s been following me for….  Oh look, see?  Da bastards gonna pull me over!

What a muddafucker!

Here we go…

I always like to record too.  Because, then they can’t use something against you; you know what I mean?

And this phones, it’s one of those fuckin smart phones.

I don’t know how it’s smart it doesn’t have a brain but…  Well a friend of mine actually said…  Oh here he comes.

A friend of mine actually said they have a brain, but it’s an electronic brain.

All dis technology…  Here we go…

Better put da hazard lights on…  Cause us abbos are fuckin hazards I tell ya!

How ya doin bruddah?

PO:  Doin alright mate.  Can you switch the engine off?

Yeah no worries.

There ya go!

Whats the matter?

PO:  Do you realise you were doing ah, you know a few kilometers too fast?

No, I had the cruise control on bruddah.

Because I can’t calculate shit.

Us abbos can’t calculate shit, so, we use the cruise control.

This is an automatic truck bruddah.

PO:  Well, can you just step out here for a second?

No bruddah I got work to do.

If you’re gonna give me a fine, give me a fine and let me get outta here will ya?

PO:  I need you to step out of the truck sir.

Oh fuck me.  Jesus Christ!  Really?  Look, look at da time!  Look at da time.  It’s COON time!

You can’t just pull over a coon like dis!  Dis is racism!

Racism bruddah!

PO:  OK listen mate, I’m gonna give you a fine, because you were speeding…  You’ve got an articulated trailer on the back.  It’s very dangerous to be speeding.  Alright?  Just take it easy from now on.  Wait there for one moment.

Jesus fuckin christ.  God damn cock sucking cops.

PO:  What was that?

Oh I was just sayin what a good job you’re doin bruddah.

Yeah.  Yeah.  You got any petrol?  Or a flaggen?

PO:  Sir, you can’t drink, in the truck.  Nor can you be sniffing petrol!

Ohhh!  Automatically you say “sniffing petrol” cause I’m an abbo!

PO:  Well, why else would you have wanted, fuckin petrol?

Because bruddah, I might need to fill up the truck!

PO:  This trucks a diesel, it’s a Kenworth.  It runs on diesel.  You, why would you need petrol….

Just give me da fuckin fine so I can get out of here.

Jesus fuckin christ.  He’s goin back to the squad car, do you think I should fuck off?

Nah.  Better not, he might chase me.

I could always use the race though.  I like to use the race card.

It works here in Australia.  I heard it works for da North American Yard Boongs.  Up there in America as well.  Yeah, yeah.

Every time something goes wrong, you say, “you’re just doing this because I’m a black fella right?”

Muddahfuckers.  Here he comes.  Fuckin hell dat was quick!

He’s gonna ask for my dick size and everything in a moment, you watch.

PO:  Alright sir…

So did you get my petrol?

PO:  I don’t have petrol for you sir.

Why not?

PO:  What do you need petrol, if it’s fuckin, if it’s a diesel?

You just said fucken!  You not allowed to say dat!  You’re a police officer!

PO:  Look, here’s your fine.  Get outta here.  Had enough of you already.

You’re just a racist mate.  You’re just a racist.  Give me da fuckin fine!  And get da fuck outta here now!

Muddahfucker.  It’s on cruise control.  I don’t know how to calculate speed, I don’t have the brain for dat….

Jesus fuckin christ.  Get the fuck outta here.  Hey!  Watch where you’re goin!

A lot of dick heads, out here Ladies and Gentlemen.

Oh yeah.  Look at this dick head trying to pass me now.  White muddahfucker.

Get the fuck outta here.

So, this is a message to all my fellow coons.  If one of these white muddahfuckin pigs, wanna give you a fine, just pull da race card.  And you won’t have to get out of the truck or anything like that.

They just give you the fine and when you get to court; take it to court if you can.  And dispute it.

All you have to do is just say….

Ohhh look at this slow muddahfucker.

Fucken hell.

All you have to do is dispute it in court and say “ya honor!  I’m not paying dis fine because the only reason he gave me dis fine is because he’s a racist.”

It works for me every time bruddah.  Yeah.

And you North American Yard Boongs, up there in Americanada, or whateva da fuck it is…  You can do the same thing.

Yeah.

Except you’re just gonna have to do it in a different accent.  “Sup man!  Don’t be finin me, you’re just a racist motherfucker!”  Kinda thing.  You know what I mean?

Not that us abbos can do those accents, but anyway…

See?  You follow Coony, he knows the way!

Catch you later bruddah!

 

Coony the Truck Driver

Read along whilst Coony drives his Truck out in the desert:


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So Ladies and Gentlemen.  You’ve gotta be really careful, when you’re driving out this way in the desert.

The reason you have to be careful is because you never know when a boong is going to be sleeping on the road!

That’s right!

Us boongs, for some reason like to sleep on the road!  Rather than in a bed!  I have no idea why.

But, isn’t it lucky that I am a GOOD boong driver!

I’m not one of those bad boong drivers; If I see a coon on the road, I’ve got a pretty sharp eye and I’ll make sure that I stop in time, even though I’ve got, 300 ton on the back.

Oooo look, I think I see a boong!

Oh that was close!

GPS:  Get ready, to turn right.

Ooo I gotta turn right.  I better be careful.

GPS:  Turn right.

This is prime boong territory, out here in the desert Ladies and Gentlemen.  Prime boong territory, you gotta be real careful.

Oooo look, there goes a police officer.  Lucky I didn’t hit that boong back there.  Otherwise they would have had a cleanup job to do.  That’s right.

Oooo, there’s another one!  Look out!  Almost gotcha bruddah!  (brother in coon language)

Ooo he had a cigarette.  Maybe I should stop and ask him for one, I think I’m out.

Hey wheres my, fuckin petrol?

GPS:  Get ready to turn right.

Ooo, look out!

See?  She said, “get ready to turn right”

GPS:  Turn right.

Because, on this particular GPS; They’ve actually got it mapped out where there’s boongs lying on the road.

If the GPS didn’t know where that boong was, I might have ran the bastard over!

Ahh it’s terrible.  It’s just lucky I’ve got a sharp coon eye!  That’s right.

Sings:  They came down from Migathara in a burnt out blue FJ, that farted and just shit itself in in Jutlan Parade.  And we lived?  Right next door to Bondies!

Yeah that’s right bruddah.  We were actually living next to Alan Bond for a while.  But he just didn’t like living next door to coons!

So…

GPS:  Get ready to turn right.

Oh.  See?  This GPS, she knows where the coons are.

GPS:  Turn right.

She’s steering me clear of the coons!

Here we go.

Ahhh there we go.  I saw the coon.

Good girl!  This GPS, she really knows her stuff!

Oh I found a cigarette!  There we go.

Thank goodness, I was gonna go cold turkey bruddah.  Don’t wanna go cold turkey.

Ohh, I’m just gonna reach under the seat.  See if I can find my petrol.

Oh I found an old flaggen!  Didn’t know that was there.

I could’a, could’a drunk that flaggen last week.  When I was out.

Ahh there we go!  There we go under the seat there.  I just gotta reach across.  There we go there’s my can of petrol.

Now we’re cookin with, petrol.  <abbo laughter>  Yep.

Hey don’t you overtake me, you white muddafucka!  Yeah…

Was about to wipe a white muddafucka off the road!  He tried to overtake me.

Yep…

<The sound of something hitting the truck> Oh crap!  There goes a boong…  I, I…  My eye wasn’t sharp enough this time.

Oh no.  Ohh the poor bastard.

Well, you know?  Don’t sleep on the road!  Roads are for driving, not for sleeping.

<Mysterious background voice>  Authorised by the Northern Territory.  <Mysterious laughter>  The Northern Territory government.

Oh, ooo.  Well now I got a funeral to go to.  So I’ll catch you all later.

You stay cool!

Oh ohh.  Anudder boong!