An Open Letter To Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth.

My name is Shaun and I have a few questions for you.  These questions may seem a little forward and somewhat disturbing at first, but I assure you, they are honest questions and need honest answers.

Elizabeth, when you go to the toilet for a number 2, how do you sit?  Are you one of those that sit with your elbows on your legs as if your on a lunch break on a construction site, or a person that sits upright, with your feet slightly cocked to the outside, in hopes that you will not have back problems?

Elizabeth, when you go to the toilet for a number 2 and have a little trouble getting it to come out, after a lack of prunes, do you screw your face up and turn a little red, making all kinds of grunting noises?

Elizabeth, when you wipe your bottom after a number 2, do you look at the toilet paper to see how much poo there is, so that you know how many more wipes you will need to get rid of the rest?

Elizabeth, have you ever been in such a rush for a number 2, (especially now that you’re older) that you had to squeeze your butt cheeks together and walk like a midget to get to the toilet?

Elizabeth, have you ever had the unfortunate experience of laughing so hard that a little wee ran down your leg and then cover it up some how because you’re a Queen?

I could ask so many more questions Elizabeth, but I am guessing you are catching my drift.



If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I am daring to say you’re a human being.  So why do you own the title Queen, especially in the year 2015?  Don’t you think it’s time to drop the charade and the false title and confess to your crimes against humanity, starting with the fact that you honored British men that killed innocent people during Bloody Sunday in Ireland?  Perhaps we can then move onto why it is you condone the (B)rothschilds.  Yes?

Most of all Elizabeth, (and your biggest crime of all) should you not be severely punished for Knighting Bob Geldof and Elton John?

I’ll leave these questions here for you too stew on for a while and you can by all means answer when you are comfortable.

Perhaps you can think of theses questions when you’re next on the “throne” for a number 2.

Sincerely indeed,

Shaun / Surplus

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